This Is My Story
- Lauren Latta
- Mar 1, 2016
- 4 min read
“My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave. I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.”- Psalm 143:3-6
You know how people say…You’ll get through this. Just worry about making it one day at a time…?
Well, I couldn’t. I couldn’t make it a day at a time. Really, I couldn’t make it hour by hour. I was surviving minute by minute…second by second.
All of me riddled with panic. Fears about who I am swarmed my mind like bees after a disturbance at the hive. Heart racing. Palms sweating. Eyes twitching. Hands wringing.
How did I get here? What is happening to me? Why???
A little background…
Back in 2014, I was teaching first grade. It was my dream job. I absolutely loved what I did, it fit me like a glove. I adored my students and was a huge fan of my coworkers. I believed that I had the best teaching job at the best school. No one could ask for more.
But I was drained. I was drying up. I could feel myself being overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. I felt like a vessel, pouring myself into so many things…work, church, Sunday school, directing children’s choir, adult choir, missions committee, and so on and so forth… without being poured into. I was becoming empty. I was so lonely. So tired. So worn.
I wanted to be the best teacher I could be for my students. I wanted to be the best at everything I did.
11/14/14
Every day is a battle. I feel it raging every day. A battle for everything. To keep my cool, to be patient, to be forgiving, to not crumble, to be strong, to be the best for the students I love, to be the best for my coworkers, to be the best for the administration, not to mention the spiritual battle. I pray to be strong. I pray to survive. I pray to win. Some days I feel like such a failure.
A little more background…
I am the oldest daughter of a minister. From childhood, I was busy in the church. I quickly felt that it was a necessity to stay busy, not just in church but at work as well. I volunteered and was volunteered by others. Sure, I can do that. You don’t have anyone else willing? You can count on me! Of course I’ll be there!
I also grew up with the eyes and ears of the church on me. As you can probably see coming, I developed a pretty bad case of perfectionism over the years. This is not to say that my family or church pressured me to be perfect. The enemy lies and says that because people are watching, we should hold it all together and be flawless. This led to me caring deeply about everything I did. If I was going to do something, it was going to be amazingly, fantastically, wonderfully perfect. If I wasn’t the best or if something didn’t turn out the way I had planned and expected, I was devastated.
It took every ounce of energy, strength, and joy I had. I had been a vessel who had been pouring herself out and was now empty, dried, and cracked.
My weariness left my defenses weak. I had no strength to face what would happen next. No strength to stop the darkness from filling the empty vessel I had become.
"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday."
– Psalm 91:4-6
Darkness. Complete and utter darkness.
It fell upon me one night while I was sitting in the car. When I say it fell upon me…that’s exactly how it felt. It was as though a spirit of darkness was falling upon me and anxiety was filling me. I could physically feel it cover my skin, seep in, give me chills, and turn my stomach.
It all happened so quickly. The moment this spirit of darkness fell upon me, I felt alone. Separated from God, as though I just realized I couldn’t reach him. Desperately grasping for him, drowning in darkness, but his hand was nowhere to be found. Panic. Sheer panic. I was terrified. Horrified at what my thoughts might think and confused as to what was happening. There was no air. I couldn’t breathe. All I could do was gasp and cry. My eyes darting back and forth as if the solution might be somewhere around me but I couldn’t see it.
This was the moment that fear gripped me. It held tight and did not let go.
Have you ever felt like fear was gripping you so tightly that you could not break free?
You're not alone.
My heart’s desire is to share with you my experience of how I overcame the darkness and how I fight the darkness with light. I want you to know that in the midst of darkest times, when hope cannot be seen and you feel alone, abandoned, and forgotten… there is hope.
Rely on Your God. Trust in Him. He is all you truly have. He is all you will need.
“If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in God and rely on Your God.”
-Isaiah 50:10b
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